Wednesday, December 15

Twelve Days of Christmas 

Got this off Ivan's blog:

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Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash AvenueBeaver Meadow, Col.
December 16

Dearest John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,
Agnes

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17

Dearest John:

Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?

Affectionately,
Agnes

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

Love,
Agnes

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19

Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese a-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20

John:

What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans a-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!

Sincerely,
Agnes

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21

OK Buster!

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a-Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

Just lay off me, smartass!
Agnes

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of freak? Now there's 9 Ladies Dancing...right in the smelly you-know-what and tracking it all over my house. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.

You'll get yours!
Agnes

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23

You Rotten Prick!

What's with the Ten Lords a-Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it!!

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24

Listen Fuckhead:

What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are Eleven Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! And they never stop piping... except when they're chasing those maids or dancing girls. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. At least, I don't have to worry about them any more. The cows are getting very upset and are sounding worse than the birds ever did. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

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Law Offices
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future correspondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder




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andi at 20:58