Tuesday, June 29

Sick and Sinking 

Finally fell sick.

Down with a real bad sore throat and a slight flu. Guess age is catching up and really have to stop all these late nites. Not only are my parents worried about what on earth am I doing outside in the middle of the nite, I am also getting quite tired of keeping out late.

Looking around at the friends I have now, I am very glad for knowing the few people that made an impact of my life, especially the few that stepped into my life to pull me out of my depression. The irony is that as I get closer to my friends, the more insecure I am and I tend to retreat.

Jave is of course a friend that has evolved to be a brother to me. Without his cheerfulness and companion, I would still be stuck in that dark dark corner afraid of facing the world. But I feel helpless when I sense that he hides his woes and troubles to make others around him happy.

Cold Flames is another person that added colour to mhy life to paint the grey sky to make things brighter. Although he is much younger than me but his maturity in his mentality and problem solving skills reminds me so much of the old me when I was in the monastry.

Yes, I have come to terms with myself that I do not have to hide the fact that I have spent almost four years as a Monk in a Monastry. And I am no longer ashame that I gave up my calling to step back into the mundane world. I know that I will ultimately return to monkhood but not in the near future.

Most people sees me as 'siao siao' and don't seems to be the kind that can get down to serious work and deep thinking much less help to solve problems. What I can say is that I burnt myself out during the time in the Monastry. A hundred problems to solve per day in the daily operations of the Monstary, A Tousand on Sundays and One Milliom during Major Festivals.

I just want to live the life of a normal person now without too much of a worry and thus appears to people around me that I am not serious about life and cold at times. I am not emotionless but guess the person that let me feel and taste of what being in love is all also took away the Fuzz in my life. It was sweet while it lasted.

Cauli is one woman in my life that I can never do without. Without her support over the past few years, I would never have traveled that far and back. She was a good working parther when I was in the Monastry and provided me with tremandous support when I left.

Seeing Ah Biah is like seeing myself in my teenage years but the differennce is that he is mad enough to live out his dreams. I am glad that he opened an avenue for me to return to my younger days and I enjoy being with him and taking care of him like a younger brother.

Recently, some of my straight friends have seen me together with my gay friends and I am worried of what will happen when the two world clash? I am also wondering was it a right thing to do to introduce my two closest friend from each world to each other?

Although the gay population is not small, but the people that are more socially active does not constitute a large number, and hence most people would know most people. I am quite sad that someone who don't really knows me at all has been spreading tales about me and many people are avoiding me like the plague. I am still wondering what is his intention.

Maybe its time for me to step back into solitude again to enjoy the serenity of loneliness? Or had the time come for me to turn straight? Yes, I do believe that one can change his sexuality with some effort. Or is it time for me to return to monkhood to regain my lost confidence?

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andi at 19:04