Tuesday, June 15

Falling 

Out of the blue, my thoughts went back to the happiest period of my life.

Which means I will fall into depression again. I blame no one coz it was my own decision to give up all that I had then. All that I did which was fulfilling and gave great satisfaction.

I am scared. Scared that I will fall back to the period of darkness - blanking my mind and not remembering things and even people - Although I pulled through it once, I am not sure will I be able to break out of it if I fall into another depression again.

It doesn't help that my family isn't very understanding of my mental state. All they could see is that I get very hot tempered and redrawn. They just can't understand why I try to find things to do, people to meet up so I can preserve my sanity, to break out of my loneliness.

Probably they are afraid that I will walk out of the door again and not come back. They knew I was hurt, they were equally heart broken to see me climb to a peak but dived to the canvass in that three years. They wouldn't want me to suffer the same fate again.

I am glad to have some friends by my side. Thank you Cold Flames for just being there... although I wanted to cry out, I did not... didn't want you to see me crying.

Was touched when Kastaway called although he is in camp. Thanks dude. Sorry for the short conversation coz I was controlling real hard not to cry. Seems like you were always around when I am down, even if its only a phone call.

Skye di di also called after his cheer leading session, hearing his voice always lifts my mood.

Cold Flames asked a question that I am still pondering. After being through so much in life, what is it that I am seeking? Frankly, I am not sure. Someone to love and to love me? Perhaps. To seek back my lost lifestyle? Not at the moment, maybe ten years down the road.

After having everything and nothing in your life; what is there to seek for?

But I am crying now.

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andi at 21:40