Sunday, July 27

solitude 

It's a wonderful feeling to live as a normal human being.

I went to New Creation Church again today. Despite leaving home earlier, I still did not make it into the Auditorium; I might consider queuing overnite next week to be in the Auditorium as I want to feel if the ambience is as elevating and charging as I think it will be. The music today was not as reverberating as last week but it did give a dash of sombreness to the service. The sermon was as in accordance to Pastor Prince's usual rapid fire, power charged, thought provoking style which touched on beliefs, faith and sacrifice.

I left the service feeling rejuvenated and motivated to face life's challenges, in stark contrast to my former beliefs for after religious service, I always felt a sinner. There are too many restraints and you are expected to live without regards to materialistic appetite, even many aspect of day-to-day living main stream society accepts as the norm is considered unwarranted. The feeling of desolation always sets in as you are taught the only way to salvation is to practice detachment, thus you lose fighting spirit to be more constructive and forgo living life fruitfully. At least now I can roam the streets without negative thoughts of am I wasting my time in futile pursuits and should be spending time isolating myself from reality.

Upon reflections, if I were not a rebel during my schooling days, I would have become a Roman Catholic as Missionary Shools educated me, ten years in all. I attended all the First Friday Masses till upper secondary when I was real seditious and it was then I was exploring the different religions. I embraced my former beliefs on the eleventh year as I just wanted to be different from those around me who were mainly Christians. I was searching for an identity that diverges from the rest and just wanted to be special.

It was this decision that set me apart from my peers for I couldn't enjoy a Big Mac without feeling guilty or use frangrances and felt that it was uncalled for indulgance. I just can't enjoy myself as a youngster for I will feel sinful if I helped myself to all the wonderful things contemporary living offers. My friends didn't t understand why I dress in subtle colours while the world was adorned like the rainbow nor why I prefer vegetarian over foul and fishes. I lost my youth to being pious and all along thought that I am a cut above the rest.

I had Lunch at the same foodcourt and had the same food from the same stall. Am I such a non-conformity extremist as I thought or is it just old habbits die hard?

Change we must to survive.

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andi at 21:23